I wish it were easier
For me to sink in
Into your thoughts
And scream you to sense
I wish you cared
As much as I do
And much wasn’t lost
In bouts of indifference
I wish I could end
This hurt you are in
And put everything back
To the places they belong
But no logic pervades
This universe of pain
You lock yourself in
Blocking all barring none.
Will everything ever be
The peaceful way it was
Will I ever smile with you
Laughing at the same things
Singing the same songs
Will you ever trust like you did
Like the world didn’t break you
Into infinite pieces of dust.
Sometimes it is the loneliness of this existence
That drives me to the brink of a depression so potent
And yet sometimes it is the multitude of humanity
That screams into my mind, an endless cacophony.
It seems my biggest struggle has been and will be,
The ‘managing’ of the people I love in my life.
To diplomatically push them away when I crave solitude
And emphatically drag them to me when I’m lonely.
It is a miracle to me how people put up with this shit
What love means to them, whether they ever doubt it.
I wonder if they believe I am selfish
I wonder if they wonder if I am worth it.
I count my blessings for the few friendships I have
Those of mighty perseverance, extraordinary grit
Those with the patience to deal with my rubbish
What makes you stay, I do not know
But I will always be grateful for it.
When all the masks and facades fade
And all the lies are on the platform
For the world to see and judge
And you’re down on your knees
Begging. In your naked form.
You’re seen now only as you are.
That part of you carefully hidden
Scares me as much as it scares you.
Was the whole tryst worth it
That is the question.
You’re a human being
And human beings are filled with
All the evils imaginable
And do not open that Pandora’s box
Unless you’re prepared for the storm
Don’t promise me as you do
Don’t talk about eternal love
And don’t mention about forever.
You seem to be new to society
And the way humans interact
Not idly did my hair get this gray.
Don’t be so silly, don’t be so thick
That you actually believe in forever
Everything is fickle. Be a chameleon.
Live in the now, the present,
And no past can teach better
Than unkept promises of permanence.
Each one of you
Is some percent void and some percent light
And forever the two poles are at war
Your soul is the general of both armies
And your consciousness is the only buffer.
You are biased, aren’t you?
Some days the void wins.
Some days the light prevails.
Only you can stop the void from consuming your consciousness
Only you can stop the light from bleaching away your mind.
Only you can maintain that crucial equilibrium
Only you can preserve yourself in peace.
Not a hundred bad days can take this from me
This moment of euphoria. Unhindered gaiety.
The kind of laughter that hurts your tummy.
After a while, you don’t even need a reason.
Your mind can make you laugh at anything.
‘Tis a fleeting moment, frozen forever in time
Etched in my memory like a quaint carving
And although so many memories blur and fade
This remains crystal clear, and recurs readily
Filling the daily monotones with hues of respite.
Not a hundred bad days, a million mistakes,
No kind of hurt, and no amount of pain
Can take the beauty of this moment away.
So many layers of smiles, laughter
Laughter that reaches your eyes
And stays there like an imprint
Your very own brand of sarcasm
Ready wit, and non stop puns.
And underneath layers and layers
Is a scared little boy crying.
Who thinks himself worthless
Who would never show his hurt
Unless it is masked as a joke.
So the world will laugh. Only laugh.
Like your life is a joke. It’s not.