Indifference

I wish it were easier

For me to sink in

Into your thoughts

And scream you to sense

I wish you cared

As much as I do

And much wasn’t lost

In bouts of indifference

 

I wish I could end

This hurt you are in

And put everything back

To the places they belong

But no logic pervades

This universe of pain

You lock yourself in

Blocking all barring none.

 

Will everything ever be

The peaceful way it was

Will I ever smile with you

Laughing at the same things

Singing the same songs

Will you ever trust like you did

Like the world didn’t break you

Into infinite pieces of dust.

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On friendships

Sometimes it is the loneliness of this existence

That drives me to the brink of a depression so potent

And yet sometimes it is the multitude of humanity

That screams into my mind, an endless cacophony.

 

It seems my biggest struggle has been and will be,

The ‘managing’ of the people I love in my life.

To diplomatically push them away when I crave solitude

And emphatically drag them to me when I’m lonely.

 

It is a miracle to me how people put up with this shit

What love means to them, whether they ever doubt it.

I wonder if they believe I am selfish

I wonder if they wonder if I am worth it.

 

I count my blessings for the few friendships I have

Those of mighty perseverance, extraordinary grit

Those with the patience to deal with my rubbish

What makes you stay, I do not know

But I will always be grateful for it.

 

Beneath the Surface

When all the masks and facades fade

And all the lies are on the platform

For the world to see and judge

And you’re down on your knees

Begging. In your naked form.

 

You’re seen now only as you are.

That part of you carefully hidden

Scares me as much as it scares you.

Was the whole tryst worth it

That is the question.

 

You’re a human being

And human beings are filled with

All the evils imaginable

And do not open that Pandora’s box

Unless you’re prepared for the storm

On wisdom

Hey stranger

Don’t promise me as you do

Don’t talk about eternal love

And don’t mention about forever.

You seem to be new to society

And the way humans interact

Not idly did my hair get this gray.

Don’t be so silly, don’t be so thick

That you actually believe in forever

Everything is fickle. Be a chameleon.

Live in the now, the present,

And no past can teach better

Than unkept promises of permanence.

Shopping

funny how the same four walls
flaking paint
sweet and sour counters 
and signs written in terrible english
can cause two people to make
two different journeys
back in time
childhoods and barely adulthoods
where things in singular become
things in plural

I had to stand on my toes to peek
over the counters
reaching for the bhakar vadi and khandwi
that would come to me anyway
I never have to stand on my toes nowadays

Except to stand in front of teli gali
in front of pallavi hotel and modern stores
and that medical store dude who gave
mum discounts because she spoke
in gujarati (it seemed)
that random podar p-22 bus
lakshmi vilas bank and seth doctor
visanji school and the milk
running from the strays
and to look straight down that road
into and above the traffic
the concrete and the memory
to catch a glimpse of something
i’ve shared with people I’ve never met
are they doing the same?

thanks for the vada pav.

Murder

I have woken up dead

with your tears still

melting my ice

more times than I care to remember

 

When it comes to killing myself

I’m a bit of an expert

I’ve casually toyed with the ghost

of my twitching body

as if it were play dough.

 

And then there are the paper-cuts

scratches and wounds I watch fester.

All these scars have left me feeling

alive, because death doesn’t hurt.

 

I guess I am a bitter man.

I will kill myself just to

see you cry.

 

This isn’t about me.

This is about the things I’ll never be.

This is about the things I’ll never know.

 

Your dream tears have sustained me for too long.

I write to explain myself to me.

But here I am, run out of time

run out of excuses.

Like my dreams, this paper stretches on,

the ink won’t run dry.

 

Here I am,

prince of my own kingdom

master of my own doom

stuck in a dream

between sunrises and sunsets.

On introspection

Each one of you

 

Is some percent void and some percent light

And forever the two poles are at war

Your soul is the general of both armies

And your consciousness is the only buffer.

 

You are biased, aren’t you?

Some days the void wins.

Some days the light prevails.

 

Only you can stop the void from consuming your consciousness

Only you can stop the light from bleaching away your mind.

 

Only you can maintain that crucial equilibrium

Only you can preserve yourself in peace.