I wish it were easier
For me to sink in
Into your thoughts
And scream you to sense
I wish you cared
As much as I do
And much wasn’t lost
In bouts of indifference
I wish I could end
This hurt you are in
And put everything back
To the places they belong
But no logic pervades
This universe of pain
You lock yourself in
Blocking all barring none.
Will everything ever be
The peaceful way it was
Will I ever smile with you
Laughing at the same things
Singing the same songs
Will you ever trust like you did
Like the world didn’t break you
Into infinite pieces of dust.
Sometimes it is the loneliness of this existence
That drives me to the brink of a depression so potent
And yet sometimes it is the multitude of humanity
That screams into my mind, an endless cacophony.
It seems my biggest struggle has been and will be,
The ‘managing’ of the people I love in my life.
To diplomatically push them away when I crave solitude
And emphatically drag them to me when I’m lonely.
It is a miracle to me how people put up with this shit
What love means to them, whether they ever doubt it.
I wonder if they believe I am selfish
I wonder if they wonder if I am worth it.
I count my blessings for the few friendships I have
Those of mighty perseverance, extraordinary grit
Those with the patience to deal with my rubbish
What makes you stay, I do not know
But I will always be grateful for it.
When all the masks and facades fade
And all the lies are on the platform
For the world to see and judge
And you’re down on your knees
Begging. In your naked form.
You’re seen now only as you are.
That part of you carefully hidden
Scares me as much as it scares you.
Was the whole tryst worth it
That is the question.
You’re a human being
And human beings are filled with
All the evils imaginable
And do not open that Pandora’s box
Unless you’re prepared for the storm
Don’t promise me as you do
Don’t talk about eternal love
And don’t mention about forever.
You seem to be new to society
And the way humans interact
Not idly did my hair get this gray.
Don’t be so silly, don’t be so thick
That you actually believe in forever
Everything is fickle. Be a chameleon.
Live in the now, the present,
And no past can teach better
Than unkept promises of permanence.
funny how the same four walls
sweet and sour counters
and signs written in terrible english
can cause two people to make
two different journeys
back in time
childhoods and barely adulthoods
where things in singular become
things in plural
I had to stand on my toes to peek
over the counters
reaching for the bhakar vadi and khandwi
that would come to me anyway
I never have to stand on my toes nowadays
Except to stand in front of teli gali
in front of pallavi hotel and modern stores
and that medical store dude who gave
mum discounts because she spoke
in gujarati (it seemed)
that random podar p-22 bus
lakshmi vilas bank and seth doctor
visanji school and the milk
running from the strays
and to look straight down that road
into and above the traffic
the concrete and the memory
to catch a glimpse of something
i’ve shared with people I’ve never met
are they doing the same?
thanks for the vada pav.
I have woken up dead
with your tears still
melting my ice
more times than I care to remember
When it comes to killing myself
I’m a bit of an expert
I’ve casually toyed with the ghost
of my twitching body
as if it were play dough.
And then there are the paper-cuts
scratches and wounds I watch fester.
All these scars have left me feeling
alive, because death doesn’t hurt.
I guess I am a bitter man.
I will kill myself just to
see you cry.
This isn’t about me.
This is about the things I’ll never be.
This is about the things I’ll never know.
Your dream tears have sustained me for too long.
I write to explain myself to me.
But here I am, run out of time
run out of excuses.
Like my dreams, this paper stretches on,
the ink won’t run dry.
Here I am,
prince of my own kingdom
master of my own doom
stuck in a dream
between sunrises and sunsets.
Each one of you
Is some percent void and some percent light
And forever the two poles are at war
Your soul is the general of both armies
And your consciousness is the only buffer.
You are biased, aren’t you?
Some days the void wins.
Some days the light prevails.
Only you can stop the void from consuming your consciousness
Only you can stop the light from bleaching away your mind.
Only you can maintain that crucial equilibrium
Only you can preserve yourself in peace.