On death

And the last thing I ever wanted

Was for you to go through what I did

I want to wrap you in walls of love

With patronuses on patrol duty

Seasons of spring and rain and sun

And all that you love, everything fun.

 

If I could I would hide every kind of pain

And mute all those bloody loud sirens

And fill your ears with songs of beauty

Till you tire of smiling, tire of being happy.

I wish I could make you feel less helpless

I wish I could tell you to not lose hope

That fairytales were true, with some faith

And the good God above is benevolent.

 

I can do nothing for you, but love you

While you face the fire that is these times

I can handle your thoughts in the aftermath

And give you every ounce of strength I’ve got.

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Indifference

I wish it were easier

For me to sink in

Into your thoughts

And scream you to sense

I wish you cared

As much as I do

And much wasn’t lost

In bouts of indifference

 

I wish I could end

This hurt you are in

And put everything back

To the places they belong

But no logic pervades

This universe of pain

You lock yourself in

Blocking all barring none.

 

Will everything ever be

The peaceful way it was

Will I ever smile with you

Laughing at the same things

Singing the same songs

Will you ever trust like you did

Like the world didn’t break you

Into infinite pieces of dust.

On friendships

Sometimes it is the loneliness of this existence

That drives me to the brink of a depression so potent

And yet sometimes it is the multitude of humanity

That screams into my mind, an endless cacophony.

 

It seems my biggest struggle has been and will be,

The ‘managing’ of the people I love in my life.

To diplomatically push them away when I crave solitude

And emphatically drag them to me when I’m lonely.

 

It is a miracle to me how people put up with this shit

What love means to them, whether they ever doubt it.

I wonder if they believe I am selfish

I wonder if they wonder if I am worth it.

 

I count my blessings for the few friendships I have

Those of mighty perseverance, extraordinary grit

Those with the patience to deal with my rubbish

What makes you stay, I do not know

But I will always be grateful for it.

 

Beneath the Surface

When all the masks and facades fade

And all the lies are on the platform

For the world to see and judge

And you’re down on your knees

Begging. In your naked form.

 

You’re seen now only as you are.

That part of you carefully hidden

Scares me as much as it scares you.

Was the whole tryst worth it

That is the question.

 

You’re a human being

And human beings are filled with

All the evils imaginable

And do not open that Pandora’s box

Unless you’re prepared for the storm

On wisdom

Hey stranger

Don’t promise me as you do

Don’t talk about eternal love

And don’t mention about forever.

You seem to be new to society

And the way humans interact

Not idly did my hair get this gray.

Don’t be so silly, don’t be so thick

That you actually believe in forever

Everything is fickle. Be a chameleon.

Live in the now, the present,

And no past can teach better

Than unkept promises of permanence.

Shopping

funny how the same four walls
flaking paint
sweet and sour counters 
and signs written in terrible english
can cause two people to make
two different journeys
back in time
childhoods and barely adulthoods
where things in singular become
things in plural

I had to stand on my toes to peek
over the counters
reaching for the bhakar vadi and khandwi
that would come to me anyway
I never have to stand on my toes nowadays

Except to stand in front of teli gali
in front of pallavi hotel and modern stores
and that medical store dude who gave
mum discounts because she spoke
in gujarati (it seemed)
that random podar p-22 bus
lakshmi vilas bank and seth doctor
visanji school and the milk
running from the strays
and to look straight down that road
into and above the traffic
the concrete and the memory
to catch a glimpse of something
i’ve shared with people I’ve never met
are they doing the same?

thanks for the vada pav.