Conformer

The teenage years are about self discovery. Introspection. About finding yourself-what you’re meant for, meant to do. That is why- the time you spend as a teenager is the most harrowing, energy consuming, depressing time until worse.

Me… I am a conformer. I am a piece of wet clay. I mould myself as per people’s expectations. So naturally, other people, and their expectations mean a lot to me- in fact they shape me. I’ve always cared more about other people’s opinion than my own. But then again- so do a lot of people.

There are a lot of good things about being a conformer. One thing is people generally respect you. How can they not?  You’re everything they look to respect. People appreciate you. They think you’re nice, very accommodating, very easy to talk to, very sweet and understanding. You probably are most of that- so it doesn’t hurt to know that others think the same way about you. You’re admired. You’re liked. You’re called. You’re talked to. You’re asked for advice.

But there are downfalls obviously. People take you for granted. Every mistake you make is counted and accounted for- because you can’t just make mistakes. That’s what humans do. Not conformers. You lose your originality, your individualism. Or you probably just didn’t have any. You’re a blend of good qualities and a hidden store of bad qualities. Of course you have flaws. You’re just excellent at hiding them. Or avoiding them.

I have a ton of flaws. The worst- I cannot trust. I have a mile high walls. I cannot stop thinking sometimes. Sometimes- I am thinking so much and so hard that I cannot wait to put my headsets on and empty my mind. Thinking is a curse-believe me. I have lost touch with myself. The real me. I cannot find her. I don’t remember being her. Who am I actually? I’m like Julia Roberts from Runaway Bride-(stupid film but I connect with her)- I have no idea how I like my eggs cooked.

The thing is- conforming is a safe haven. Its security. It’s like an engineering job in India. You’re well set. And I am too comfortable being a conformer to change. This life- it’s not easy mind you. Its difficult being a different person all the time. But then it’s easy in a very different way. I’m risking nothing by living. I’m protecting myself-the real me-from the real world. I’m safe.

Then why do I hate it? Why am I tired of it? I haven’t the faintest clue. All I know is- I’m nearing the end of my teenage years. And if I don’t find myself before it ends- I’m going to be a conformer for the rest of my life.

So… this was a random post. And I’m bored. So.. meh.

 

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2 thoughts on “Conformer

  1. It may sound stupid Antu, but I understand. It’s so easy to be easy-going and malleable to whatever is around you, but you feel like your soul is fading…Find somewhere you’re comfortable. Somewhere with people you trust, know, can let your walls down with and be bossy and impetuous and opinionated if you feel like it, where you know it’s okay. It can be with your brother or just one friend, online or anywhere, but I promise you, if you find even one small space, it’ll make the rest seem easier. At least, that’s my experience and knowledge of it, and I sincerely hope it helps you too 🙂

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