Bloggin’

A blog (a portmanteau of the term web log) is a personal journal published on the World Wide Web consisting of discrete entries (“posts”) typically displayed in reverse chronological order so the most recent post appears first.

Hmm.

Anyway. Ya’ll know me. Or do you?

Seeing as I’ve never, ever said anything about myself in my ‘personal’ journal, you don’t.

My name is Devdan. I like coffee, arithmetic, books, pillows and a good nights sleep. I dislike hot things, cold things, headaches, and hate.

I write. Sorry, I used to write. Being one of my worst critics, I haven’t been able to write anything that passes my own certifications for quality for a good 6 months.

I haven’t been able to have a good nights sleep since I discovered, quite suddenly, that I don’t love.

Love is this emotion I cannot compehend. I cannot define it, I cannot diagnose my feelings towards a person and examine if it is indeed, love.

You won’t find faith or hope down a telescope
You won’t find heart and soul in the stars
You can break everything down to chemicals
But you can’t explain a love like ours.

~ Science and Faith (The Script)

What the flying hippopotamus is love anyway, eh?

I don’t know.

Love is a very easy thing to talk about, it seems. 

I ❤ U

And the job is done.

Funny, the way I see it, this has… cheapened the idea of love. Love is no longer a sacred thingummy that binds two people for life. ‘I love you’, a person screams, ‘Let us marry!’

And then comes the now-expected-so-let’s-yawn news that the two lovebirds are indeed crows. And have divorced.

Love is so cheap now, there is a festival for love held every year, and you get some flowers or chocolates or some waxing cream and that seems quite enough. It costs you about 50 bucks and you get a nice partay. 

I think there is more to appreciate in love when you don’t feel it. Meh.

Moving on now.

Like I said, I have not been able to write anything decent for half a year. That, I think, can be attributed to me finding, funnily, friends. No longer do I need to sit in front of a computer screen trying to pour out all my angst out in a few words. No longer do I feel the need to try to write something just so that all those people who think I write well shall not feel disappointed by the fact that writing now seems… inconsequential to me. I don’t really give a damn. Often inspiration strikes and I write a quick few verses and feel better.

Thirdly, like I said, I have been hesitant to express my feelings to people. Forget a blog, forget some random friends, I am very secretive even with people I consider close enough to be family. Being lonely is like a drug, I think. Like I said, I don’t love them. Sorry. But that is not the reason, no. The only reason I don’t like to speak about myself, and many people don’t like to speak about themselves, as far as I know, can be described in one word. Ego.There’s this whole thought process you have to go through when you do not want to admit, even to yourself, that there’s something wrong. Fuck asking my friends for advice and support, I can handle it. I can. I…. can… I…

That’s not the wisest thing to do, I know, I know. Thing is, 95% of this world have serious problems with how they are living and dealing with things. The rest are dying.

(Yes, the figures were arbitrarily made up, sue me.)

Thing is, there are fucked up people and fucked up people. They all need help, but they’ve got to ask the help of another fucked up person, to.. you know, feel temporarily better.

A close friend of mine, well… I thought he was close. (OMG I REVEALED HIS GENDER?!!) Well, yeah. He’s been particularly unlucky about the quality of life he has received, relatively. And, well, as a friend of his, and also because of my personal opinion that he’s one of the smartest, awesome people around, I want to help him. Can I?? 

I want to, but he doesn’t want me to. And I understand, man, I do. So basically, I am supposed to watch this awesome person slowly wither, and there is nothing I can do. Nothing. Nothing.

Feeling helpless sucks. At least, for me it does. If I ever meet a boggart I would see myself helpless in some form or the other. It’s my greatest fear, in case you’re a muggle and have not read Harry Potter. I’ve felt helpless before, and it’s not a nice feeling, sure. Imagine a person who always tries their best to be in control. Always. In. Control.

Imagine never being able to express your emotions directly because, hey, gotta keep that shit in check, or it all becomes worse. Imagine never being angry, never being sad, never being happy, never beanything. That seems a bad life to live, but I have resigned myself to that. THEN, imagine it all falling apart. Imagine, mate. Like a river that has been controlled by some dam, it breaks out. Those are my bad days. My helpless days.

On the good ones I just cry, keep on crying until who knows when, time just stops passing, and I just get to pick up the pieces and move on.

On the bad days there is some ass in front of me, and I lash out. Anger is exhilarating, and I find that if I can’t keep my emotions in check, it commonly converts to anger. I lash out against the ass, destroy his idiocy by all the horrible things I am just bursting to say.

I am good at that. But, they deserve it. :3

On the worse days, there is someone who I like. In front of these people, I become like a whiny, snivelling teenager, just not able to continue, just hanging on. Thing is, people don’t understand me. Not their fault, yes, but they don’t. They don’t understand why I have to bottle myself down, why I have to keep trying to be perfect. Hell, how can I expect them to? I don’t know myself.

And on the worst days, there is nothing. I spend hours, days, weeks in the most recent case, just… not there. I am as fragile as a pencil. A piece of glass falling on the floor makes me cry. Someone speaking leaves me angry. And worst, the feeling of helplessness. The feeling of despair, the feeling of being a tiny speck in a fucking huge world, and being that and that only. 

I am in that last phase now. Been like that for weeks. This time, I am sorta just detached from everything, you know. Just.. not there. And that is why I am able to write this shit. After posting this, I shall be able to tell my closest friends to read this, because I owe that, at least, to them.

Right now I am feeling helpless for a lot of things. My friend, who I shall call Nyan, is obviously suffering. Silently, slowly, suffering. There seems nothing that I can do to make him feel better. My marks have been… for lack of a word, downright bull, and that is going to make college admissions a right pain. I am seventeen, going to turn eighteen in two months, and I’ve never even had a freaking girlfriend. Life seems to be a-calling, things seem to be a-changing, and all I can hope for is that I turn out okay. And that Nyan feels better.

And now that that is done, I shall now entertain the obviously bored/curious reader/ spambot with this:

We sing, we dance, we live.

Ha.

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Bloggin’

  1. Nyan? Seriously? As in Nyan Cat? 😛
    Excuse my amusement over this angsty piece of writing..
    I dunno.. I’ve been on the other side of the fence, ya know.. But from this side, the angsty side looks so ridiculous. Ofcourse no one understands me because I don’t let anyone understand me, and I have my days where I cry because I feel lonely. But I think that in the life of every human being of this planet, there comes an experience that allows you the option of being happy. You’ve got to take that chance up, and be thankful for it. As I know it, angsty life is not a good life :l
    Cheers to your future happiness 😀

    1. Yes. Nyan cat.
      I’ve been on the other side too, so all this is gonna feel soo stupid when I am back there. :/
      But…This time I was feeling like letting it out like this. So I did. :3

  2. Interesting, how this was originally about love. You know what? I’m giving you a new category. Historical doesn’t cut it, because you’re super-extra-awesome-fun and also, you put overwhelming meaning in the word ‘love’; you are definitely going in the ‘meaningful’ category. Moving on..

    Dev-chan, you need a girlfriend, or at least to get out of a very capitalist place. That doesn’t mean that you need to up and move or up and ask any girl you see out, but you need to find someone you like and start talking to them, and maybe close yourself out from the world for a while by hiding in your room. I guess my advice isn’t the best. You know how well it works out for me, considering how often I whine to you. But, you know. I think it would probably be best if you did something to relieve yourself of the stress of the outside world — even if it was as simple as closing a door and ignoring the outside. It would probably be better if you got a close friend and did the hiding, though, considering the — you know what? I don’t know what would probably be better. ;; That’s why I’m saying ‘you should do this’. >///< It's a matter of 'oh-I-see-um-um-um-let-me-say-this-in-response' because I have no idea of what to say. That's what I'd do, anyway.

    Secondly, um… People are easily corrupt. That doesn't mean that everyone is awful and has no hope, it means that you have to influence them one way or another or you have to find that one piece of uninfluenced, hidden 'soul' inside a person that really shows you what they're like. So basically, get close to someone. It's not that hard. Anyone is likable, if you spend long enough speaking to them or inside their minds. Anyway, those're my thoughts. You need to accompany someone and you need to stop being lonely. Loneliness is nice, yes, but when you see what your life could be without loneliness, that's quite addicting as well. Speaking from experience, it's probably better for someone like you — who isn't terrified out of their wits of people or terrified of looking attention-seeking or terrified in general of existing and therefore killing microbes as you breathe — to talk to people and have the support they offer. Not just me and not just your online friends. It was brilliant, speaking to you, but then James came along as a real-life support and I'm a lot happier than I was before. I'm a lot more positive about the world than I was before, as well, because someone has SHOWN me that it's possible to be nice in such a corrupt world. You need someone to do the same~~

    Meh. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm just kind of… ranting a lot and acting as though I know what I'm talking about.

    "Loneliness is like silence; it can easily be broken if you only speak out."

    1. Very well said Ingrid! And may I add, Herbie darling, you know you will always have us at least. I know you reckon you communicate better on the net, or texting, than face to face, but having someone who you can talk to and be physically hugged by is nice too 😛 Just try? Please? Even just spending some time talking with Antara – she knows what you’re going through better than anyone, and she cares about you. Dude, she’s your sister after all 😛 and if you insist on not talking to a ‘creepy’ psychiatrist, well Smile and I are always here to help 🙂

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