[Personal] If I could control my life

Everyone has played a game. Saved it. Replayed it. Restarted it when they made a mistake.

Life would be so much easier if I had a save button. In this (short) life, I have committed enough mistakes to spend the rest of my life trying to correct them. Ever since a very very long time ago, my night has been spent on reflecting the errors I have made throughout my life. Sleep comes difficultly to me, and so does waking up. I hate to sleep, ‘cos I don’t know if I will get up tomorrow. Unlike many people, I am scared of death. I know, firsthand its many implications. The grief that a loved one feels when they die. The amount of problems that they have to face. The awkwardness that society deems fit to cast upon them. I have felt this grief, I would never want anyone to feel that grief. Thats why I have no close confidante. Not even a diary. I like to keep people as far way from myself as possible. Death hangs like a cloud over me, and over everyone else. It does not pay to be close to someone.

Thats why I often wonder what I would do if I could save before taking an important decision. Replay the whole thing over if I made a mistake. Here is what I would do if that somehow happened. I share this on my blog because here, I am an anonymous person. No one knows me. Scarcely anyone reads this anyway.  I would:

1: Be Myself- Yeah, like almost everyone else, I am a very different person then I show myself to be. I even know how people think about me. My mom thinks I am an unbelievably lazy person who does not put his (somewhat good) brains to good use. My sister thinks I am commitment- phobic. My friends, alternately, think that I am a dumb guy who knows some fancy English and reads a lot. The closer ones think that I am a somewhat intelligent guy, who spends his time justifying his stand on certain issues. This person never apologizes.  He sends messages in puritanical English. He loves reading, and he loves writing. Does not believe in God, and hates those who do. And he can be rude as well.  As for myself, I have only one word to describe what I am. “Inconsequential” No one depends on me. I don’t (despite what my mother would say) depend on anyone.  My opinions scarcely turns this world around. No one (except a few budding psychiatrists) is interested in me. And I am fine with that. I am used to almost always being interrupted. I am used to being treated as a weeble, always absorbing, never responding. And I reflect, all this would be really different if I just was myself. Back then, when I first met these guys. I have an insanely stupid friend. I don’t like him, but I can’t tell him that, ‘cos thats not who I am supposed to be.

2: Tell my Dad how much I loved him- Everyday before I go to sleep, I tell my Dad that I miss him. Its so useless, the task, because I know that despite whatever the religions say, my Dad ain’t coming back. When he was there, my communication with him was really restricted, he used to work long hours, and I had school. We never really talked, man-to-man, and I confess I knew very less about him, and he knew very less about me. He’s gone now, and now this daily action is such a useless thing, it does not count for nothing.

3: Study for my boards- I seriously did not study for my boards. I got a decent percentage, and I even got admission into a very good school, but.. I think I would have probably be more satisfied if, chuck my marks, I had studied as much as I could. People thought that it would be very difficult to concentrate, but I never really tried. I spent my entire time before the exams, preparing for the after-exam chilling period. I only studied for English, Math and Hindi. I would change that.

4: Go to the doctor when I got chicken pox- I got chicken pox days after my exam ended, a severe attack. My mom, and her mom, fiercely stupid superstitious people never let me have anything like a medicine. The only medicine that I had during chicken pox was buckets and buckets of coconut water. The attack completely destroyed my face. I can’t pretend to have had a good looking face, but it now looks like a face with several bird droppings in it, so it was for the worse, definitely.

5: Propose to the only girl I truly liked- I cannot say I loved her, but I liked her a lot. Three years later, I do not even know where she studies. Communication is probably going to be restricted to birthday wishes on Facebook. She could have said no, but at least I would have tried. She was…. really cool.  🙂

One thought on “[Personal] If I could control my life

  1. and you know, its sad that we dont have a replay button bud ….yeah , its a sensible set of wishes you have …even i had wished for this “save and reload” button , but you know, ha ha, not all wishes are granted ..
    And , um …i try to live this life, without regrets, with the feelings that “i have nothing to lose” …and i cant think of living in any other style but this….cuz im tuned to this ….
    Now you might ask why i need a replay button , cuz i feel i need have “lived” more in my past , the past which bounds my childhood ..Not that life was a bed of roses back then , but i was somehow able to ignore my vices and enjoy the present …But now, i think im consumed in ego(no one complained, no one is likely to,maybe because they think im a droop-on-touch person ),laziness, hypocrisy etc … i loved a girl 9 years back, and she loved me back …so that was the only time i had successful love .. 😀 … so, i wanna live the past once again …..only if we had a time machine .

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